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Jabber Nation, please raise your hand if you are sick and tired of all of this Diamond Jubilee nonsense.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with you Edmund Burke lovers who think that leadership is earned by birth and not by deed. That's why you're not going to hear me make fun of The Queen -- see, I even put her title in the upper case -- because doing anything for 60 years deserves some recognition.

But this much? Really?

This whatnot - constant coverage, bowing, don't speak unless spoken to, carriages, crowns and the rest of it - is annoying by any standard, and the reason why the British monarchy ranks third on my list of the most annoying nonsport related things on this planet.

Here are my top five:

5. Political commentators - Hannity and Maddow are equally annoying

4. Taco Bell commercials

3. The British monarchy

2. People who fail to use their turn signal before turning

1. Smelly people. I'm not saying I'm Mr. Clean, but you know darn well you can't concentrate when the synapses in your olfactory are pinging double time because the person next to you is kickin'.

And since this is a sports column, ostensibly, it's only fair that I share my sports-related list:

5. Noise makers: Thundersticks or Vuvuzelas.

I don't know which one's worse so watch, decide for yourself, and then tell me you wouldn't rather be deaf.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BIgnEiT8ow&feature=topics (You are welcome for the "Dumb and Dumber" clip.)

4. The Soldier metaphor: As a sports fan for 30 years, I get the metaphor; fields, victory, the bomb.

But as someone who served in the Army for seven years and been around it for almost 15, I realize how ridiculous it is when an athlete compares himself to a service member.

Case in point: Kellen Winslow Jr.


To be fair, it's more ridiculous when singers like Kelly Clarkson talk about "soldiering on" in their lyrics. But since she was an American Idol and he's an overrated tight end, I'll cut her some slack.

3. Notre Dame: I'm cool with Catholics and the Irish. What I'm not down with are obnoxious fans who fail to realize a) Knute and The Gipper are gone; b) Rudy was a scrub and horrible movie; c) Their program is no longer relevant.

2. Guys like Fantasy Bruce. Anyone who plays fantasy sports knows a Fantasy Bruce. He just may go by another name like Fantasy Bo or Luke or even Fantasy Crazy Cooter.

He's the guy who offers cruddy trades or claims he won't make it to the draft but always shows up 15 seconds before his pick. He's also the guy who caveats every virtual setback with an excuse like a gazillion-dollar budget he had to balance or family issues he had to solve. Worst of all, guys like Fantasy Bruce always make the playoffs.

1. Sissification of sports. I wrote about this a few weeks ago, so I will not regurgitate the argument. Instead, I'll post a link, http://www.ftmeadesoundoff.com/sports/9872/no-body-contact/, and drive on.

There are a few other things I could have added to my lists like "The Eagles" (band and sports team), the term "lame-stream" media, the flopping epidemic in sports, or even Lebron James.

But, I prefer to end on a happy note and send out a much-deserved congratulations to our friend Doug Wise, who is a grandfather for the second time.

Here's hoping for a happy life, Little Eli -- one filled with laughter, clean diapers, plenty of time to fish, and the wherewithal to survive a family full of Steelers fans, who consequently came in at No. 6 on my list.

If you have comments on this or anything to do with sports, contact me at chad.t.jones.civ@mail.mil.

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