Know Your Role
By Chad T. Jones
Public Affairs Officer
We reaffirmed our love as we walked hand-in-hand through the crowds while yelling at the fruits of our marriage, who seemed determined to cool off in the Bay or at least get us to buy them something.
Even with that, we got to check out all the sites the harbor had to offer, most notably the tall ships and the surprisingly large number of dudes in do-rags with braided pony tails that flowed all the way down to the buttocks.
It was Americana at its best, but our special day wasn't all about Eskimo kisses, snuggly-wuggly time and pony tails.
There was some serious conflict as well.
As you know, the Sailabration was tied to the Bicentennial of the War of 1812, a historic conflict whose outcome serves as my wife and I's default argument. Like most Canadians, my wife believes that Canada somehow won the war even though it wasn't even a country until 1867. However, that fact didn't keep her from telling me how "they" burned down our White House. "They," I replied, "were subjects of the crown, so why do you give Canada credit for something the British did? It's not genuine."
As you can imagine, that dose of reality didn't sit well with my Canuck. The next thing you know, we were talking about touks, toonies and 70's AM radio icon Anne Murray. Even worse, my unwillingness to yield to those who claim to be what they are not ultimately led to me spending part of my anniversary night on the couch.
Anyway, Canadians are not the only ones who claim glory they haven't earned. Americans do it, too. The most recent example is Nik Wallenda, who is now being classified as a daredevil because he walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Here's the video in case you missed it: http://bit.ly/NF7WlD.
Walking across a 457-meter wire that is five inches in diameter is impressive, but upon further review you will see a little thing we critics like to call a harness, which was attached to a steel cable, which was designed to keep him from falling into the cool, rushing Niagara River. So, I ask you, where's the danger?
I believed Wallenda when he said that the television networks mandated that he wear a harness because "Nik Wallenda cannot lose his life live on national television."
I certainly do not want to see Nik, or anyone for that matter, fall to their death, but let's be real. You can't be a daredevil without the fear of death. Wallenda's walk while attached to a wire doesn't make him a daredevil. It just proves he has good balance and isn't afraid of heights.
Did you ever see Evel Kneivel attached to any cables? No! http://bit.ly/LzFRsN. That's because being a daredevil is all about canes, capes and contusions, not steel cables that could probably keep the Maid of the Mist from plunging into the water, much less a man.
Now all of this doesn't mean that Wallenda's not brave. I certainly wouldn't muster up the gumption to walk across The Falls. But there are a lot of things people do that I'm not brave enough to try, i.e. grow a pony tail that flows down to my buttocks.
It just means that Wallenda lovers, just like our Canadian friends, need to know their role and own it.
If Nik was a true daredevil, he would have stepped onto Canadian soil singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" while wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Sir Issac Brock is a punk."
Or, he'd just marry a Canadian and tell her what really happened in 1812.
If you have comments on this or anything to do with sports, contact me at email@example.com.
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May 25, 2013
Col. Edward C. Rothstein
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